9 WAYS TO MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WORK

It could be that your relationship doesn’t feel quite the way it used to, or you may just be looking to maintain the good place your relationship is currently in, either way you are in the right place; these tips offer key ingredients that make a relationship work. A healthy relationship needs the time and effort of two committed people. If you want a good relationship you have to put the work in, every good relationship is worth it.

1) KEEP ARGUMENTS SOCIAL MEDIA FREE:

With social media being as popular as it is,  it can be SO easy to vent online when you are in a bad mood and feeling a whole bunch of angry and resentful thoughts towards your partner - it isn’t uncommon to see people’s business spread all over Facebook, Twitter etc. Sure it might momentarily make you feel better to let all those feelings out and even receive support from peers, but the problem with this is that by sharing your business online you are involving others and inviting them to share their opinions on the negative part of your relationship. This means that on the likelihood that you and your partner manage to solve the conflict, others may still hold a grudge toward your partner, or continue to share their views which could possibly make it harder for you and your partner to move on from it. I always see people writing updates like 'Why can't everyone stay out of my business. A relationship is between two people' blah, blah, blah - the bottom line is they only know your business if you share it. You don't want people getting involved? Don't involve them - simple.

Next time you feel like venting why not write it down in a word document that you can later delete, or take a moment to yourself to just breathe, calm down and then talk it out with your partner, the mature way.

Picture from http://www.flinthosts.co.uk/media/images/blog/AntiSocial-Media.png

“Cheating and lying aren't struggles, they're reasons to break up.” - Patti Callahan

2) BE HONEST WITH EACH OTHER:

Without honesty, trust quickly disappears. And without trust it is very hard to stay in a progressive relationship. Jealousy, suspicion and resentment are all toxic emotions that can be formed from staying in a relationship with someone you cannot trust. A quote I like regarding trust and relationships is:
"A relationship without trust is like a car without gas - you can stay in it all you want but it isn't going anywhere."
Be honest about your needs, your feelings and anything your partner may ask you about. Remember, you don’t have to be cruel to be honest, there are nice ways to say things. Be straight, but be polite.

“The liar's punishment is, not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else.”
― George Bernard-Shaw

If you are constantly lying, it can be hard to believe that others around you are telling the truth, which can lead to paranoia in your relationship.

“Things come apart so easily when they have been held together with lies.”
― Dorothy Allison

3) HAVE FUN: 

Fun you say? Yes, of course you are meant to have fun in your relationship, it’s not suppose to be draining, repetitive or boring. Being playful keeps the bond growing! Make each other smile, watch a bit of comedy, go for walks, go to festivals together, on holiday, to studio tours, a gig - whatever it is you two like to do, it can be something you used to do a lot or something completely new.

Another quick tip whilst we are talking about all things fun - work... try not to have this as one of your relationship's main topic's of discussion- it's nice to briefly share work goss, but then relax, have fun, separate yourself from it - always working and always talking about work is known to be a stress causing factor in relationships. You should love your work, but love your relationship too. Make time for no work just fun. 

Colour festival avec my boyfriend.

Be weird, Be silly - Just have fun.

 "Live life fully while you're here. Experience everything. Take care of yourself and your friends. Have fun, be crazy, be weird. Go out and screw up! You're going to anyway, so you might as well enjoy the process. Take the opportunity to learn from your mistakes: find the cause of your problem and eliminate it. Don't try to be perfect; just be an excellent example of being human.”

 4) POSITIVITY:

A positive attitude goes a long way. You have complete control over your behaviours and can choose to focus on the good side of things, bringing positivity into your relationship is one of the best things you can do. Of course, no-one expects you to be a bright ball of sunshine all the time, but sharing positive lessons, thoughts and solutions can be a relationship enhancer. Being positive will not only improve your relationships, but also your life.- Two birds with one stone.

5) COMMUNICATION:

One big thing that can be the cause of conflict in a relationship is miscommunication or the lack of it. Truth be told, your partner is not a mind reader so you have to let them know what you are thinking and feeling. If they do something that irritates you don’t just let it pass, as it will just build up. Of course it wouldn't be wise to shout at them and go about the situation in a accusing way, but rather, kindly let them know how something has made you feel, "I know you don't do it to annoy me, but I can't help but feel a little annoyed when you don't clean up after yourself. Please may you make an effort to do so? I'd really appreciate it" sounds a lot better than "Oh my gosh, you always leave a mess whatever you are doing, I am not your skivvy, clean up after yourself before I use your face to do so."

Good communication is also being able to share all the aspects of your life without feeling judged, that includes the emotional, mental & physical.

6)ACCEPT YOUR PARTNER:

Nobody is perfect. A phrase you’ve probably heard 1000 times. If when you first got together with your partner he was a video-game lover or she took hours to get ready, don’t expect that to change as soon as it becomes irritating to you. Within reason , it’s important to except your partners hobbies, traits and characteristics, allow them to be themselves (as long as it isn't a harm to themselves or you). Acceptance enhances relationships.


7) PUT YOURSELF FIRST:

Those who spend time bettering themselves tend to have happier relationships than those who are constantly putting others needs before their own. Of course, I am not suggesting to not care for/help others but your happiness is the greatest gift you can give others, when you are in a happier, more loving state of mind you have more to offer to others.
From working on yourself, which may include working on stopping your bad habits like; waking up late, biting your nails or smoking, you will be improving yourself, which can have a direct improvement on your relationship.
It’s also important to have time to yourself as well as time with your partner, the right balance is essential.


8)LET THEM KNOW THEY ARE HEARD:

Acknowledge each other-  it’s important to start acknowledging ‘ordinary’ moments in your relationship, if your partner wants advice on how to finish a piece of work, or simply wants to share with you something they found on the web, take time to listen. The little things really do matter, showing interest in your partner's interest makes them more likely to want to do the same.
Acknowledgement includes expressing gratitude when they do something helpful or cute, it’s important to let your partner know you appreciate their efforts and are supportive of them.

9) SHOW APPRECIATION:

After a while of being in a relationship, it can be easy to slip into a state of comfort which sees the effort you put into the relationship slowly decreasing- you are no longer doing all the things that you did in the beginning to keep your relationship alive and prospering. Just because you have been with someone a while, it doesn’t mean you should stop showing appreciation for them. Many relationships begin to fail because one or both partners feel under-appreciated. You don’t necessarily have to shower your partner with gifts but one or two a month can be a nice gesture to show appreciation. It can even be something you make, like a romantic meal, cakes, scarf, photo frame- whatever. You could make it your aim to surprise your partner monthly. Be there when your partner needs it, when you can tell they’ve had a hard day why not give them a  massage or offer to cook or get takeaway in?
Watch your own actions & insure that what you are saying and doing is not harmful to the relationship. Let the other person know they are loved, you could compliment your partner every day, it doesn't have to be something incredibly cheesy can be something like ‘I really love that top on you’ …

Remember:“Relationships that work are the ones  that are worked on.” 

Love and light
xo

FOCUS ON YOU

Focus on yourself & the path you are on and allow all others to do the same.

I love this picture quote. It's so easy to believe that other people are doing things 'the wrong way' when they are tackling things a different way to you or doing something that you feel serves them no good. But just because you are accustomed to doing things a certain way it doesn't mean any other way is wrong. Not everyone takes the same path to success - there are many roads that lead there.
It seems to be human nature to stick our noses into other peoples business and judge the path they are on, we are all too quick to criticise others as opposed  to complimenting and supporting them, if you must turn your focus to anothers path why not use that moment to offer them encouragement?
But remember this: "your time is limited, don't waste it living someone else's life"
You can earn back any money you lose, you can buy new clothes when your old ones have seen better days, but one thing you cannot get back is time - so spend yours wisely. 

For tips on ways to focus on yourself, check out this blog post I came across:
http://blog.aiesec.org/13-ways-focus-2014/

Happiness is the greatest gift you can give to anyone so be selfish enough to seek joy.


Love and light
xo

HOW TO BREAK THE HABIT OF COMPARING YOURSELF WITH OTHERS

"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel."

If you always want what others have you'll never have enough.

Why do we compare ourselves to others? Well, simply put, the ego wants to be number one. However, the problem with comparison is we tend to compare our weaknesses against another's strengths or we compare ourselves to someone who has more expertise or experience in a certain area. This can leave us in a never-ending spiral of self destruction and unhappiness. We feel inferior because we feel like we should be entitled to have or to be able to do, all the things we admire/envy in others.  Even if we do well in the comparison we make with another, it's a short-lived boost of ego which is easily knocked down. Comparison is a losing game, but luckily, we get to make the rules. Here's some tips on how you can break this habit that doesn't serve you any good.

Breaking the habit of comparison...

Learn from a rivals positive points:

So, after hearing or seeing someone do something well you think you lack in some thing? Transform the jealousy into admiration and use this as motivation toward self improvement. It's easier to criticise people than compliment them, don't fall into this habit. Instead of trying to find a flaw in what they are doing in order to make you feel better about your own shortcomings, why not change those thoughts into that of inspiration ( I.e "If they can do it, so can I. Time to start working towards what I want!") You could even ask someone to teach you the skill they are good at, if that's not an option there's plenty of resources available to learn yourself in the form of Youtube videos, blogs etc.

Awareness:
Be aware of when you're slipping into comparison-mode, often we're so used to doing it that we don't even realise that we've slipped into it again. Be on a lookout for these thoughts, and when they creep up, pause, acknowledge the thought and gently change focus, "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."

Don't knock others down:
Sometimes we criticise others to try make ourselves feel better, this is just destructive and can form enemies where you could of formed a friend. It does you good to support others in their success, as a result they are more willing to help you and more interested in seeing what you can do. Remember, nobody has to lose for somebody to win. "It doesn't build you up to tear others down."

Be a better YOU:
Instead of comparing and competing with others you can always compare and compete with yourself.

 "Those who compete with others become bitter, those who compete with themselves become better."

You are the only person in the world you have the power to change and improve. So why not redirect the comparison? Ask yourself some questions: 

What are you doing now that you couldn't or didn't do a year ago?
What steps out of your comfort zone have you taken?
How further towards your goal/s are you now compared to 5 years ago?
How have you improved?
What negative behaviour/habits have you finally managed to stop engaging in?
Recently, what have you done that you thought you could never do?

Basically, how have you continued to become a better version of yourself?

This may work better instead of trying to stop comparing altogether, as that can be tricky to grasp hold of instantly due to the fact that the mind likes to figure out where we fit into the scheme of things.

Focus on your strengths:
Don't brag but feel good about them and work on using them to your advantage. Everyone has something they are good at, even if it's not the thing they most desire. Appreciate them, be grateful for them.

"Don't compare your chapter 1 with someone else's chapter 20."

Take note, that we only see the part of others they choose to share with us, they too have their own shortcomings and insecurities, there will be somebody they don't feel they measure up to when comparing themselves to another too. Don't be fooled into thinking their life is perfect, we are all fighting different battles. It's hard to judge a situation well that you are not a part of, so try to focus of the one thing you are in control of - yourself.


Love and light
xo.